Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
$3 #books
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.