Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
A roof is a house hat.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.