A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too