Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
every. time.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
If you had more money you’d be happier.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet