ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You Might Also Like
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳