[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?