[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Breaking news:
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Saw online –
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.