Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.