i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”