My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
gm
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
step 6: release the wall snake
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
You deplete me