Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️