Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Van Gone
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.