It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
You Might Also Like
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
2023 was just a warmup
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
can’t talk my ride’s here
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Dune (2021)
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.