[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
mood
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I think this should do it.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Just grow your own