Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.