Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Ah yes. The three genders
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Feel. He’s so soft.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you