I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
A Short Story.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
one last job
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.