If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how