Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.