‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
And now we wait
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.