[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
A woman drives into a bar.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)