[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”