ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Cake!!
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.