@azizpabani: ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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@TEXASVETERAN: How do you say "I'm sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day." in Korean?
@CornOnTheGoblin: "someone broke into your room... and peed on you while you were asleep" me: that's right, officer
@shutupmikeginn: In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it's been a long time coming
@putyoursisterd1: 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.