ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Got ya covered
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose