Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men