‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot