establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
SF is the wild wild west man
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”