Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Well, this explains it:
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.