Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4