Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life