flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
You Might Also Like
ACED my prostate exam!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
dads on road-trips be like
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer