People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
You Might Also Like
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.