@Brampersandon_: Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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@Contwixt: Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
@jazmasta: [first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".