[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise