Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like