Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
You Might Also Like
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt