[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
it must be school picture day