*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order