Europe. Made in Germany.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
#SaturdayBears
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house