Europe. Made in Germany.
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
they finally got him. they got macavity
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.