So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat