evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.