Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”