We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.