Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
english majors be like furthermore
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️