Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?