Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
girls literally only want one thing..
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
He just like my cat fr
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?