@notchyos: Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman
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@GingerHotDish: Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready...regardless, fix that shit.
@Mellicubed: My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down.
@EndhooS: "DADDY THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM" [sound of me nailing door shut] Wife "WTF are you doing?" Its too late for her now she's as good as dead