Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Tough love is true love
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed