@kumailn: Even Al Qaeda is like "These ISIS guys are a bit much no?"
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@MicheleAKALips: I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
@WritePlay: *I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek* "Make a wish," I say. *I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
@OneTrickTofani: *proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*
@PeaceInTruth1: *calls lost & found* Me: Have you seen my patience? L&F: Hold on a second. Me: *click*