@kumailn: Even Al Qaeda is like "These ISIS guys are a bit much no?"
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@trojansauce: FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia ME:what's that FRIEND:it's where you can't sleep ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@markydoodoo: [Shark Tank] INVESTOR: So, it's a bra, with a built in queso holder? ME: Yep INVESTOR: And you call it the- ME: The Bracho, yes