@kumailn: Even Al Qaeda is like "These ISIS guys are a bit much no?"
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@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
@kingsleyyy: Conservatives after a mass shooting: "You can't take our guns!" Conservatives after a police shooting: "But he had a gun!" I'm confused.
@DionneMcNutt: There's 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
@OBiiieeee: Cop: where ya headed? "the gym" Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you "thank you so much, officer"